I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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