Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
