honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
