Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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