You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
