Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
organizing the empties. That sober.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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