today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
