it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
