It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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