I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
