Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
