I could make wine with my vomit
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
