I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
