My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
