I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just google imaged poop.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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