clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
