i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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