i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
