you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
