i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
