dude i'm inner monologue high
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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