3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
