My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
