Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
