i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
