I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
