Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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