I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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