i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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