it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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