i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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