dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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