I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
