True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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