I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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