i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
