once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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