I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
