Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
