my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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