I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
