grandma shit on top of the toilet
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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