I cut my penus on the lid.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
