I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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