Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
