I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
