easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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