filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
