No stitches, just platelets and will power
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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