The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
