I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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