$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
