I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
