All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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