somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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