The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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