the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
