I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
